20-in-20!

Courtesy of Barbara Reichlin imagoworks.com

Develop Amazing
Communication Skills
in Just 20 Days!

"We don't communicate!" This is the single most frequently heard reason couples give for seeking counseling or attending an Imago Workshop. And, of course, those couples have come to a great place since Imago has, in our opinion, the best communication tool around - the Imago Dialogue.
Most couples reading this will have already received training in how to dialogue. Now, the trick is to you get yourselves to use it enough before you need it so that when the next road bump hits, you'll
be prepared!

Research tells us it takes 21 days to develop a new habit. People entering into recovery programs
are told to "do 90 meetings in 90 days". It simply stands to reason that couples wishing to learn
better communication skills must dialogue EVERY DAY for at least 20 days if they are to be successful!

INTRODUCING . . .

20-Dialogues-in-20-Days!
(20-in-20)

20 in 20 is a simple daily guide that provides you a topic to talk about each day for twenty days.
The probability of meeting your goal, which is to replace your normal way of dealing with conflict
with the conscious tool we call "Dialogue", is greatly enhanced via daily practice and the restriction
of early dialogues to safe subjects. Only after several weeks of practice are couples invited to
discuss problem issues in their relationship.

Four Easy Steps:

Each day for 20 days, partners will take turns being the sender in a brief dialogue, using a topic
from the Dialogue Topics Guide. While the first partner, (Partner A,) "sends", the other will mirror, validate and empathize. Then, both will switch roles and repeat. The second "sender", (Partner B,)
will a) respond, if desired, to A's "send" and then b) send their own message about that day's topic. When done, Partner A gets to say if they would like a chance to respond to Partner B's send.

Step One: One of you will need to print out 2 copies of the following pages:

Dialogue Guidelines
Receiver Flowchart
Sender Flowchart
20 in 20 : Topics POST several copies
of this list where you will see them daily!

Step Two: Decide who will initiate each day.

THIS IS PERHAPS THE MOST CRUCIAL STEP! It's actually difficult to do anything new every day
for 20 days - our lives, feelings, energy levels, etc., simply vary too much from day to day. So
while most people can do the dialogue, finding the time and getting started each day can prove
challenging.

For most couples, sharing the responsibility of bringing up the day's topic works best. One can
initiate on even numbered days and the other on odd days. Each person initiates on their
designated days, WHETHER OR NOT THEIR PARTNER INITIATED THE DAY BEFORE. See below
for hints on handling common initiation stumbling blocks.

Step Three: Decide when might be a good time each day to dialogue.

The chances of success will be greatly enhanced if you can pair your daily talk with another
regularly occurring activity: e.g., while taking a walk, making or eating dinner, after the kids go
down, lying in bed before going to sleep, etc.

Step Four: Begin and keep it going.

After reviewing the downloaded pages, Partner A initiates the first dialogue. In the beginning, it can help to use the Receiver and Sender Flowcharts. Once you are familiar with the dialogue, we would suggest putting this aside so your talks will feel more natural.

FAQ's

How should we initiate? Each day, the initiating partner begins by either a) asking if this is a good
time to do the dialogue (e.g., "Do you want to do our Dialogue now?"), or b) by simply volunteering
a "send" about the day's topic. If Partner B doesn't mirror spontaneously, Partner A should playfully request them to do so.

For example: "OK, honey, today's dialogue is a complement and I really want you to know how much
I love the way you handled our son last night." No response. "OK, Dialogue Alert! It's day e l e v e n
and the topic is nudity at the office. . ."

I find it hard to initiate. How can I get myself to stay on course? Our best advice: keep reminding yourself why you are doing this. You WANT a better relationship, yes? You want more PEACE, less fighting, more closeness, safety and respect, yes? Perhaps you want a better relationship for your kids sake or because you fear the loss of your marriage if you don't learn to communicate.
Whatever your motivation, write it down and POST IT where you will see it DAILY!

What if one of us just doesn't initiate? In some relationships, one person may end up becoming
more the initiator simply because they find it easier, or at least easier than their partner, to do so.
OUR STRONG RECOMENDAITON: if the low (or lower) desire partner is willing to participate once things get going, and if their initiating is not a core issue for the other, then perhaps initially (for the
first couple of weeks or so), the higher desire partner will be willing to stretch into carrying more of
the initiation load knowing that the other's stretch will be in doing the exercise. (After all, it's not
really reasonable to expect someone to suddenly go from a lifetime of rarely talking about
themselves or their feelings to not only talking daily but initiating as well!) However, by week three,
the low desire partner should be initiating at least a third of the time.

How long should we talk? Dialogues need not last more than 10 to 15 minutes. In general, limit dialogues to a maximum of 20 to 30 minutes.

Do we talk about our "issues"? No, not in the first 2 weeks. You are in "Dialogue Training" and will
not be ready to tackle an issue until you have had at least 14 days of practice.

What if we miss a day? If you miss a day (and of course, this will happen,) simply pick back up
where you left off the following day. It's more important to do all 20 dialogues than it is to do them
in exactly 20 days.

Can we skip around in selecting a topic? The topics are arranged to keep a balance between light
and somewhat more serious topics. You can, of course, choose to skip around. The only caveat is
to postpone discussion of relationship topics that have negative energy around them until you have completed roughly fourteen dialogues.

Get Your 20 Dialogues in 20 Days Topics Now!

Click here for an Introduction to Dialogue

Sophie Slade, Ph.D. (514) 766-5502
email:slade.imago@bellnet.ca